I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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