I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Someone signed my nipple.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
