He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
