Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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