this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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