I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
