I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
