Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
