If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
