break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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