At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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