ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
