So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?