I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
