Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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