fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
