i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
