Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
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He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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