Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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