Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
