We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
