My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
