Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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