I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
