I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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