its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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