the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
50% drunk capacity currently
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