shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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