Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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