on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
