My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
