I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
