It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
