it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
