I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
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