Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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