Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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