I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
pray to the hookup gods
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
