I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
