This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sext me about skeletons
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
