Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
