you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
