Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have fence marks all over my body
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
