Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
