Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
