I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
