Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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