When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
