I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your cock deserves a montage
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
