There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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