The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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