I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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