everyone is single if you try hard enough
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
me + whiskey = a bad person
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
