something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
