You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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